My ex has a girlfriend. Or, he’s seeing someone, anyway.
I saw pictures.
I’m not surprised. I’d heard around. But, I hadn’t seen the tangible proof yet.
First instinct: She’s uglier than me.
Second instinct: I want to know every possible detail about her.
Third instinct: I want to call, text, contact him. I know he’d come back to me in a heartbeat, because he loved me more than he ever loved anyone, because the way he felt about me was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. I FELT that love every single day. He couldn’t believe we were together: he consistently reminded me that I was out of his league. He didn’t understand how he had gotten so lucky. He couldn’t wait to spend a lifetime with me.
I know he thinks about us. I’m sure he’s even seen pictures of me. In fact, we still have tagged pictures on Facebook that I’ve never gotten around to deleting.
I wonder what he thinks. I wonder what he misses. We were part of each other’s lives for years…so many memories interlaced into places, songs, events. I’d never seen someone cry as hard as he did when I broke up with him. He apologized for everything he’d done to hurt me and swore up and down that he’d wait a lifetime for me to come back to him.
I was starting my graduate program and simultaneously entering recovery. I had grown tired of his childish ways, half-assed ambition, and elaborate plans that never manifested. I had been emotionally checked out of that relationship for months: by the time I ended it, the wounds had practically been healed.
I’ll never go back. Ever. But, that’s not the point right now.
I was his fucking world, and he was just a piece in mine.
I miss being someone’s world. I miss being needed like that.
I want what I can’t have, and if I no longer want it, nobody else can have it.
Control, control, control.
He’s not the right person for me. He never was. He had enough baggage to fill an entire airport. I just wanted to save him: fix him, change him. Essentially, I was in that relationship for all the wrong reasons. But he could give me a gift I have yet to give myself: unconditional love, endless support, and adoration. In his eyes, I could do no wrong. In his eyes, I was flawless. It wasn’t hard to let go of that, but it took me so long to realize that, without him, I was alone to increase my basically nonexistent self-esteem. I could always depend on him for compliments and admiration. Now, I try to find it through other people…when, really, I need to learn to develop it for myself.
I wish I could be happy for him, but that would be a lie.
I’m enraged and jealous.
Why am I holding onto something that I clearly broke off?
Why am I letting myself suffer?
Why am I still even dwelling on this? Isn’t it time to move on?
I feel jealous. I feel sad. I feel immature. I feel needy.
The end.
